Football’s Grand Experiment Eliminates Physical Contact

Now that the Tennessee Titans have confirmed that an employee contracted the Covid-19 virus, the NFL has decided to provide the ultimate in player protection. The league announced Tuesday they had come to an agreement between players, coaches and team owners to reduce the possibility of players contracting the Covid-19 virus.

New rules going into effect at the beginning of the regular season include a 6-foot minimum distance and no-touch policy. To maintain the proper social distancing only 5 players from each team may be on the field at one time. Physical contact between any of the players is now forbidden. 

Once the ball is sanitized and snapped, defensive players may only run alongside the ball carrier, maintaining a six-foot distance, and verbally urge them to stop running towards the end zone. The verbal abuse may not contain any foul language or insults about the player’s mother.

Lead proponent and unofficial team spokesman, Francis Millington of the Buccaneers, discussed the main concerns of today’s game environment. The outspoken wide receiver told a small group of reporters through a Zoom meeting that the risk to the players was too great to ignore. “I made $8.2 million last year. You can’t even imagine the responsibilities that come with that kind of money. How can I risk my health on the football field with that kinda’ money on the line?” he asked. “Just like the Pro Bowl, where no one gets hit, this will prolong our careers.”

Millington went on to say that he spoke for all of the NFL players in their concern for their physical and financial health. But rumors were circulating that players making under $1 million a year may be more willing to decrease the social distance rule to 3 feet.

In a practice game, demonstrating the new form of football, the final score was 174 to 167. The game ended in the third quarter as the players were too tired to run any more. 

“We believe this adjustment to the game will provide a much safer environment for the players”, said player union representative, Ronald McSteed. “I’m sure the fans will love these new rules since they offer the ultimate protection to the players,” he said.

Fans interviewed at local sports bars were somewhat surprised by the announcement of the new rules. Ted Robinson, a patron at Gilley’s Irish Pub in Tampa, and self-professed former football fan, put his beer on the bar and said, “You mean they are playing football?”

Ultimately, it appears that the NFL’s grand experiment will go largely unnoticed. Patrick Gilley, pub owner, said they turned all the TV’s over to curling a month ago and nobody seemed to notice. “Actually, business has picked up since we changed the channels,” he said.